The United States has a long history of using various forms of torture to extract information from, & punish prisoners. This has led to a debate about the ethics of such practices and whether they should be allowed to continue; a debate that has gotten louder and louder as of late. In an effort to silence the ever-more-vocal protests, the U.S. has begun an experimentation campaign across it’s prisons, testing for more effective methods of torture that produce less physical damage.
In a recent revelation from sources in Guantánamo Bay, the U.S’s latest procedure has involved mandating prisoners to unabated sessions of viewing Mindy Kaling “Velma.” The brave and diverse series revolves around Velma Dinkley and the other members of Mystery Inc. in High School; before their official formation and sans Scooby Doo. While some civilian consumers have loved the show, like Kara Peckerwood from Portland, Oregon, who tweeted “Velma is the breakout queen that I bet has the Patriarchy clutching at their pearls#ScoobyYAS #Patriarchy2Matriarchy #BLM,” the prisoners have not felt the same way. “I’ve had various forms of torture imposed on me for the heroic sacrifices I made for my savior Allah. These have included immediate miseries, things like waterboarding, and penetrations, to more slow burning tactics, like sleep deprivation, and slowly being burned. However, none, I mean none, have ever disturbed me as deeply as “Velma.” But it has opened my eyes to how vital Allah’s mission is for the sake of humanity,” said Afan Siad. Another prisoner, who wished to remain anonymous, told us “Please just kill me.”
While protesters were initially happy to hear the US was looking for alternatives to their “inhuman” torture practices, their displeasure has risen to new highs after learning the means the US has gone to in pursuit of these alternatives. “I don’t get what they are going for with this tactic. There is just no way this is any better than the psychological torture forms of old; tactics that have been determined inhumane and wrong by almost every human rights organizations. I’m telling you, my sister showed me a clip from the pilot, and I couldn’t even last 10 seconds, I don’t know how they are withstanding 18 hours, per day.”
The U.S. defends the study, as Chief Researcher Dr. Don Donners touted “Velma is a perfect tool for espionage; it has a 85% compliance rate across all participants, and it only causes minor, although significant, psychological damage. But hey, no tactic is perfect, and if this means protecting our citizens from harm, well then that’s a price I’m willing to pay.”